


Lost Without You

by potionsmaster



Series: Death Wish [6]
Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Kaidan is Dead, Mutual Pining, Post-Horizon, booze-soaked soliloquies, depressed thoughts, drowning memories, mShenko, nonviolent talking about dying, ships passing in the dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 16:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15223244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster
Summary: “Losing your life is not the worst thing that can happen.  The worst thing is to lose your reason for living.”~Jo Nesbø





	Lost Without You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BardofHeartDive](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BardofHeartDive/gifts).



**_Lost Without You_** , by potionsmaster

 

Rating: T for language, major character death

 

 

~~~~~~

 

_“Bullshit.  I know what Cerberus is like.  They talk about putting humans first.  But at what cost?”_

 

_I froze as Ashley spat the words.  I had the same thoughts. Not like I could do anything about it currently._

 

_“You turned your back on EVERYTHING we stood for!”_

 

_That cut me deep._

 

_“Ash, you know me...you know I’d only do this for the right reason.  You saw it yourself…”_

 

_My voice was pained, even to my own ears._

 

_“I’d like to believe you, Shepard, but I don’t trust Cerberus. And it worries me that you do.  What did they do to you? What if they’re behind it?”_

 

_“Typical Alliance attitude,” Miranda muttered under her breath.  I shot her a look over my shoulder and she swallowed any further words she would have said._

 

_“I still know where my loyalties lie, Shepard. I’m an Alliance soldier.  It’s in my blood…” She shook her head. “What would Kaidan think? Is this what he would have wanted?”_

 

~~~~~

 

I stare into my drink, back to the rest of the port observation lounge. I don’t even know why the Illusive Man included it, but it's just another reminder that this isn't my old life anymore, nor is this a military vessel. The star field to my seven is a grim reminder of the few times we sat in silence on the bridge of the old _Normandy_ , just the two of us.  If I think hard enough, I can almost see him at the window, leaning against it.  Watching the stars. What I wouldn't give to have that. Or go back in time and be on the bridge once more, marveling together at the glittering expanse through the blue shift aura of FTL cloaking the ship.  Blue, like biotics. His and mine. Ours.

 

And this... _drink_.  Whatever this is.  It’s sweet, with a nasty burn on the other side of each swallow.  Like sugared kerosene. He would have hated it. Wonder if I can complain to Miranda about the lack of Canadian beer.

 

“Hey, Shep...got a minute?”

 

I don’t say anything to Kasumi as she slides onto the stool next to me.  I shove the bottle of ghastly blue liquor to her and a glass. She pours an inch and stares at it.  

 

“It was his favorite color, I remember.  Blue, I mean.”

 

The words come softly from beneath her hood.  I don’t look at her. I don’t _think_ she was talking about Kaidan...actually, I don’t think he ever told me what his favorite color was.  Shame.

 

“I never got to thank you, you know,” she continued.  “For letting me keep his gray box. It’s bittersweet. It hurts, but as long as I have it, he’s never truly gone.  Not really.”

 

I grimace after slugging back the rest of my drink at that; it smacks of something Williams said to me after the memorial: _“As long as we keep his memory alive in ourselves, Shepard, Kaidan will never completely be gone.”_  How could I _not_ let her keep it?  To be able to reach out and touch Keiji again...intel be damned, she has a target on her back, anyway.  I had seen a file that looked like a profile on her in the Spectre office, and it was fairly comprehensive.  And if she doesn’t survive this godforsaken mission, well. It won’t matter anyway.

 

“...you’re welcome.”

 

What else could I say, really.  The silence is companionable, she toying with her glass and me debating on another.  I give in to the urge and pour another god-awful drink of cotton candy flavored shellac and down it in three gulps.  Almost missed the question she asked next, I was concentrating so hard on not giving a review of what I just drank so soon afterwards.

 

“What did she mean?”

 

I freeze.

 

“Back there, I mean.  On Horizon.”

 

The words are hard to form, my brain mushy from the booze.  Kasumi just waits, eyes glittering under her hood. Why haven’t I ever seen her take it off?  And what does she do when she needs to shower? She can’t possibly wear it while she bathes...though that particular thought is amusing.  I’m struggling to keep my focus on her.

 

“I...don’t know.  She said a lot of things.  What part are you referring to?”

 

“I think you do, Shep.  You all but crumbled when she mentioned this ‘Kaidan’ person.  I take it you were close?”

 

Words echo in my head, hours old but still raw as ever.

 

_“I still know where my loyalties lie, Shepard. I’m an Alliance soldier.  It’s in my blood…” She shook her head. “What would Kaidan think? Is this what he would have wanted?”_

 

If she had stabbed me in the gut with a knife and twisted, she couldn’t have hurt me more.  

 

“Yeah...you could say that…”  My voice tries not to crack. It takes a few attempts.  “He. Um. He was my staff lieutenant. Before, uh. _Before_.”  She nods, dropping her gaze back to the bar top.  I pour another drink, three fingers deep and neat, whatever this saccharine swill is.  “But we were... _friends_ , I guess you could say.  And I had to leave him behind.”  I swallowed hard, staring into the bottom of the biotic blue swirling in my hand.  “...He died.”

 

“I’m so sorry,” she murmurs.

 

“You and me both.”

 

The silence stretches between us, trembling like a violin note being stretched too thin and held too long.  For whatever reason, I still can’t find any answers in my drink. Must not have drank enough. The buzz is starting to wane and I curse it mentally; goddamn Cerberus.  Not only do they not stock any good booze on the ship, but their fucking science in resurrecting me made it so that my metabolism and healing rate are amped up. I always had found it difficult on the best of days to get drunk before I went down with the Normandy, anyway.  So did Kaidan. Damn biotics. We gave it some valiant attempts, though, me and him. Him and me. Kaidan and Blake, two salty biotic marines sharing a few too many and not enough in port. The mental fog starts to clear and I remember the bar on Noveria.

 

*

 

“So...geth again, huh?” Kaidan looked at me over the top of his beer stein, brows pinched together in concern.  I snort into my own, not meeting his eyes.

 

“That sounds like a bad punchline or vid quote.  Bad guy with a lisp. ‘Do ya feel lucky? Well, _geth_ again!’”

 

“Blake…” he chided me gently, laying a hand on my arm.  “You don’t have to...hide. From me. What you’re feeling, I mean.”

 

I stared at him, consciously trying to keep my jaw from dropping.  I don’t think he means what I want it to mean. “You mean about...Benezia?  And Liara?”

 

“Yeah, uh…” his ears turned pink at the tips, the little wrinkle between his brows deepening slightly.  “This one was a rough one. In more ways than one.”

 

“Yeah.  It was.”  I took a draught of the Canadian lager he ordered for us, this one a rich amber color with a good head on it.  Like the man himself. I froze, trying to rein my thoughts in before they ran out the door and my mouth. The beer must have a kicker to it I’m not used to.  Or maybe it was the shot of whiskey we did before settling into the beer. I squinted suspiciously into my stein before focusing back on the same color in his eyes.

 

“Alright, well.  Uh…” he took his hand back and wrapped it around his drink, Canadian lager gaze dropping into it.  My heart stuttered a bit. _Still recovering from running and gunning, Blake, that’s all_.  Yeah, right.  I didn’t think I believed me on that.  Maybe if I kept telling myself over and over, I would eventually.  “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want,” he mumbled.

 

“No!  It’s not that I don’t, I just…”

 

“I get it.”

 

“Well, Kaidan-” I shifted in my seat, leaning forward on my elbows. “I’m...I dunno what I’m trying to say.  I’m still processing.”

 

“Like I said, Blake, I get it.”  He glanced over at the howling blizzard outside the windows, noise dampened by the thick walls.   “I’m glad we’re taking the time to do this. I could use a...sanity check.”

 

“Things have been pretty crazy.  I couldn’t help thinking my life might be flashing before my eyes when I was trapped in the stasis field...I could see, I could feel, I could _hear_ my heartbeat raising, but I couldn’t move.  Couldn’t... _do_ anything.  All I could do was try to concentrate and breathe.”

 

“Yeah?  Did you do your counting?”  That amber gaze locked back on me, face open.

 

“Doesn’t work half as well without you,” I muttered into my beer.  “Thank God you were there when I got free. I’d’ve been lost without you.”

 

His ears flushed red this time.  “How’s that?”

 

“You’re always there for me.  I depend on you. Even when I know I don’t always show gratitude, or appreciation for it, I...know you’re there.  It reassures me. You’ve got my six. Can’t say I’ve had many moments of clarity like the one I had while in stasis, but...it made me realize I should...say something.”   My heart started pounding again and I tapped a slow staccato on my thigh under the table, breathing in and out with it. Maybe…

 

“Mmm. I get that, too.  There aren’t enough moments like this, right?  With people we care about.”

 

“Yeah.”  The arrhythmia kicked up again, making my breath hitch.  “Enough about me, though. How’re you feeling these days?”

 

“Feeling up to whatever Saren and the geth throw at us.  And...grateful I was able to convince you to sit _down_ for half a second and relax.”

 

I chuckled and took another sip.  “I’m not _that_ uptight, am I?”

 

“Ehhhhhh…” Kaidan teased, tipping his head to the side.  I kicked him under the table.

 

“Asshole,” I laughed myself. “It’s a good time for us to sit and talk, though.  Have a heart to heart.”

 

“Mmhm.  You know what, though?  I feel _good_ about our chances.  Lets me sleep better at night.”

 

“You not sleeping, Kaidan?”

 

“...maybe a little restless.”

 

That was news to me.

 

“Maybe I need to sit you down more and make _you_ relax a bit.”

 

“The personal debriefings on the ship don’t count?”

 

“Well...I mean...I suppose they do, but I don’t really qualify that as ‘down time’.  Do you?”

 

“I suppose not.  They usually revolve around work.”

 

“Mmhm.”

 

“Which is...kind of why I wanted to check in with you now.  But we don’t have to, like I said. Especially if it’s still too...raw.”

 

“Here’s to that.”

 

“Let me tell you about something else I’ve been thinking about.”  He shifted in his seat, spinning his drink in his hand on the table, glass going _snk, snk, snk._  “I’m not the kind of guy who’s the life of the party, or who has a lot of friends…”

 

“Really?”  I replied, curious where this was going.   _Be still, my heart..._

 

“No, it’s true!  Some people even find my...uh... _integrity_...annoying.”

 

“Reeeeeeeeeally,” I teased, trying to keep a straight face.

 

“No, seriously, I-”  He caught the look on my face and huffed a laugh.  “Ok, fine. Well, _now_ you’re messin’ with me…”  The easy banter and good humor faded a bit and he toyed with his drink, looking down a bit.  “Ok, look. I just...want you to know...that I consider you a... _friend_.  Ok?  A good one.” The words rushed out of his mouth, bumbling a bit.  “Damn, this is way less awkward in my mind. Mostly I guess I just wanted to let you know that I _admire_ you as a commander, and I _value_ you for your friendship.”

 

My heart skidded and dropped into my stomach.  No way in hell was I going to say anything now.  He was so... _earnest_ in what he was saying.  Like he was worried about my reaction.

 

“You’re my brother, Kaidan,” I said hollowly, trying to inject some kind of warmth into the words and keep my grin on my face.  He sighed, tension leaking out of his shoulders.

 

“I’m _glad_ to be part of the crew.”

 

“What’d you call this?  A…’sanity check’?”

 

“Mm.  Sanity check…”

 

*

 

“Do you have something to remember him by?”  Her soft words filter through my thoughts.

 

“No.”

 

“That’s a shame,” she whispers, laying her hand on my arm.  It’s the same spot he used to, when he was there.

 

“Yeah…”

 

We lapse into silence again, staring into nothing but our own black thoughts swirling in the sweet blue lies and promises to forget in our glasses.  I had lied to her. I _do_ have something to remember him by.  No way in hell was I going to tell her what it was, though.

 

I glanced at my seven again, the sparkling stars pinning back the overwhelming darkness from the window.  The same pressing void I had seen when I died. The pain, the panic...the gripping exhaustion overtaking me, mind slipping away into nothing.

 

And I knew in that moment what he must have felt when he died, too.

 

 _That_  is what we share.

 

And that is the one thing I had of his that I cling desperately to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
